When we’re not playing games here at the Almighty headquarters, we can often be found conducting all manner of serious scientific research. For instance, one wing of our fortress is devoted solely to examining how it is that Uwe Boll is allowed to keep churning out movies based on video games when he’s lost over $50-million over three films. So far, there are no promising results, but we’re investing in a new supercomputer, so hopefully this conundrum will soon be resolved for the betterment of mankind.

A little side project of mine has been to sneak into one of our many laboratories and play around with our shiny new Quantum Computer, which cost just a hair more than a PS3 but at least ships with a controller featuring rumble-feedback. One of the cooler features on this rig is its ability to crunch reality into a numerical matrix from which theoretical results can be derived. That’s a fancy way of saying it can do just about anything, including the ability to act as a ridiculous motivator for this very article.

For instance, one of the answers I was looking for is how those annoying Head-On commercials came into existence and just what in the hell does that product do anyway. Result? Created by marketing zombies whose sole purpose is to enslave the human race with repetitive catchphrases. As far as the product, it has something to do with headaches, which is ironic, as you always have one after hearing, “Apply directly to the forehead!” three times in rapid succession.

With that dilemma out of the way, I decided to put the Quantum Computer to work on something game-related, and set out to determine what console and computer games would have been played by some of the titans of history. I expected some typical results but received quite the opposite. Here are some samplings.

Socrates

Known For: Being smart, according to his pupil Plato. We have to take Plato’s word for it, as no known writings by Socrates exist, so his intellectual prowess is based on nothing more than hearsay. Created the Socratic Method, which is the practice of answering a question with a question. People who do that are annoying.

Expected Result: Black & White

Actual Result: American McGee’s Bad Day L.A.

Analysis: So much for being a genius. Socrates shows his true colors by indulging in one of the worst games ever produced, an unfunny, racist disaster that should finally, hopefully, strip American’s name from all future titles.

Hitler

Known For: Zerg rushing Europe; Holocaust

Expected Result: Company of Heroes

Actual Result: Okami

Analysis: I was confident the Quantum Computer would find Hitler engaged in a war game, but upon seeing Okami as the result, I can’t say as I’m terribly surprised. It makes perfect sense, as Adolf fancied himself an artist in his youth and even dabbled in watercolors with surprisingly good results. One can only wish he had stayed on that creative career path instead of seeking employment as a Dictator. Oh well, the end result would have been the same: cornered psychopath hiding in his bunker or struggling artist, each typically ends in suicide.

John Wilkes Booth

Known For: Making unwelcome noise at operas, assassinating Lincoln

Expected Result: Hitman – Blood Money

Actual Result: Guitar Hero

Analysis: This result seemingly came out of nowhere, but upon further review it starts to make sense. John Wilkes Booth was a professional actor before he changed his career to assassin, which only lasted for a single job because the getaway car had not yet been invented. Considering his theatre background, it’s safe to say that John Booth was a ham of the highest order, so it makes perfect sense to find him prancing about a room with a plastic guitar under the false impression that he actually has talent. Sound familiar?

Leonardo Da Vinci

Known For: Making Dan Brown impossibly wealthy.

Expected Result: The Incredible Machine

Actual Result: The Sims 2

Analysis: I expected Leo to be a little brainier than the result indicated, but I suppose it makes sense when scrutinized. Leonardo was a jack-of-all-trades and a master of pretty much all of them. He was an architect, musician, mathematician, scientist, painter, inventor, etc., all careers or activities that can be found in Maxis’ The Sims 2.

Tesla

Known For: Being unknown. Tesla was the greatest inventor no one has ever heard of. He created the AC current, remote control, robotics, and wireless communication, among a hundred other advances, even including radio, the invention of which has been mistakenly credited to Marconi, despite a 1943 Supreme Court ruling indicating otherwise. His epic battle with Edison and the financial moguls of his day left him penniless and forgotten.

Expected Result: Sim City, if for no other reason than the easy ability to destroy power-lines.

Actual Result: Any game on the Nintendo DS.

Analysis: This doesn’t come as much of a shock. As the pioneer of wireless transmission, Tesla has a special place in his gaming heart for any device that allows people to communicate remotely without any wires. If he had been allowed to continue his research, there is little doubt that the Nintendo DS wouldn’t even need batteries, as the transmission of energy without the use of wires was his ultimate goal; one that was within reach, but ultimately dashed by much powerful forces (I’m looking at you, electric companies.)

Einstein

Known For: Huge hair, some equations, doing Marilyn Monroe

Expected Result: Math Blaster

Actual Result: Defcon

Analysis: So all that talk about Einstein being a pacifist was a bunch of crap. I mean, he did send a letter to Roosevelt begging for the government to sink money into nuclear fusion research so the U.S. could beat Hitler to the development of the atom bomb. Roosevelt eventually funded The Manhattan Project, paving the way for Fatman and Little Boy to be dropped on the civilian population of Japan. From then on, Einstein was a devout pacifist, once famously proclaiming, “"I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Now here he is playing Defcon, a game that’s sole aim is destroying more civilians than the other side. Be careful what inventions you urge into existence, as you just may get it.

Osama Bin Laden

Known For: Living in a cave, evil-doing, making YouTube videos

Expected Result: Flight Simulator X

Actual Result: Paper, Rocks, Scissors

Analysis: Talk about retro gaming. It appears Osama really is living in the stone age, holed up in some dank cave along the Pakistani border with nary a Nintendo DS or PSP to keep him company. So he’s doing the only thing one can do without electricity, and that’s playing Paper, Rocks, Scissors with his Al’Queda posse, a posse that no doubt lets him win.

Steve Irwin

Known For: Picking fights with alligators, funny accent, poor dodging ability

Expected Result: Zoo Tycoon

Actual Result: Marine Tycoon

Analysis: Well, it’s a little late to be learning about the creatures of the sea, but it appears Steve Irwin is determined to cram as much knowledge into his head as possible, no doubt assuming a potential shot at reincarnation may give him the drop on any future encounters with a Stingray. Am I going to hell for this?