Screw all those emails I get from the country of Namibia claiming I have tens of thousands of dollars waiting for me. I don't need easy money now that I've had an epiphany. Yeah, you heard me, even I can have a brilliant idea sometimes, and this idea is my ticket to the promised land of financial independence. For too long I've been criticizing the gaming industry and their many shortcomings. It's time for me to put up or shut up. So allow me to introduce my design document for a new adventure game.

I call it “Bug”.

Packaging

Bug will ship in an oversized package that weighs approximately 7-pounds. This will be achieved by the inclusion of a rock and will serve to trick the consumer into believing that they're getting a lot of nice extras. A huge sticker on the box will say “400-page manual included,” which is essentially true, even though the manual is really just a PDF file that contains 100-pages of white space with 300 pages of Terms & Conditions legalese, absolving me from potential lawsuits.

Obviously, a Collector's Edition of Bug is a must. This will be priced $30 more than the standard version and have “Collector's Edition!” embossed on the cover in big, red letters. Seeing as this is a profit driven scheme, I'm not going to actually include any extras. What makes this a Collector's Edition is the fact that the box has a sticker claiming it's one. Isn't that enough? I guess I could include a lead figurine, which would be nothing more than the top of a Campbell's soup can or perhaps a smelted glob of lead, but I think the sticker concept is good enough to lure in gullible gamers.

I'm having an internal debate as to whether or not I should include a super-deluxe collector's art book. Never really understood the point to begin with, as you usually just thumb through it once and stick it on the bookshelf, never to open it again until you move to a new pad and rediscover it sitting in a box. I suppose I could go the extra mile and just include a few pages of scribble and stick-figure art, staple it together or...wait a minute! Paperclip it together and reference the paperclip as the lead figurine! Mr. Cynic, you're just too brilliant sometimes.

Now let's see, should I include a super-exclusive soundtrack in the Collector's edition? Does anyone really listen to game soundtracks? More than once? If so, I guess that says more about the state of the music industry than anything else. Meh, screw the soundtrack. Too much hassle. Maybe I'll toss in a page or two of public domain sheet music and owners can play the tunes themselves. Yes! I can see the box cover now! “Included in Collector's Edition – World's First Interactive Soundtrack!” I smell platinum sales.

As for the packing itself, I think I'll stick with the industry standard, i.e., impossible to open without a chainsaw and the yelling of at least four curse words in rapid succession. I'll know I've succeeded in effective packaging if the owner, red-faced, exclaims, “Why the f--- do they make these things impossible to open?!” Achievement unlocked.

The Game

The concept of the actual game is pretty simple. If you've been playing PC games for any length of time, you've no doubt seen the gameplay in action. Here's the scheme:

1.After spending 30 minutes just trying to get the box open, player is faced with a shrink-wrapped jewel case that will require an additional 15 minutes to unseal.

2.Jewel case will be glued shut, causing the player to wonder if they're opening it from the wrong side or angle. Eventually, jewel case will crack open.

3.CD will be pressed against case backing with so much force that the player will suspect he or she may break the CD if they tug at it any harder. CD will bend and possibly snap in half upon extraction.

4.Assuming the player has successfully navigated the removal of the game disc, disc will then be placed in CD drive, which will initiate an Autorun command and the Bug splash screen.

5.Upon clicking the Install button, system will return an “Installation error – please consult your manual.”

6.Manual will offer the usual tips that never solve the problem, i.e., update your drivers, update your BIOS, stop background programs from running, reboot your system, etc.

7.Final entry in manual will explain that players having difficulty getting the game to install should go to the official Bug forum and consult the Technical Support Forums.

8.Technical Support Forum will be of no help whatsoever, though a good community will evolve.

9.With everyone that purchased the game now stuck on a technical support forum that offers no assistance, I sell banner ads and make even more money.

Sounds like a surefire hit, even though it's been done to death.

Look for Bug to hit store shelves “when it's done.”