It's not easy being an a-hole. There's an art to being universally disliked and despised when playing online games. Some people are born naturals. Others, like myself, had to actually practice the requisite techniques, day after day, honing my skills and abilities until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. Being an a-hole is tough work. It's demanding. You need a thick skin and a sharp tongue. Maybe you've thought to yourself, “I'll never be a great a-hole. I'm just too quiet...too nice.” Well listen up, noob. This guide is for you.

Before I teach you the mystical secrets of a-hole etiquette, it's important that you understand why you want to aspire towards this lofty goal. You see, being an online a-hole gets you respect. It's how people tell the difference between a casual player and someone with l33t skillz. Oops, I just let out a little secret: never spell anything correctly. The more “z's”, the better. Using numbers in place of letters is also a great touch.

A-Hole Strategy Guide

With an increasing number of people flocking to next-gen consoles and having easy access to headsets, there's never been a better time to enhance your a-hole skills. This has opened up new avenues to annoy people that you must master if you ever hope to be despised.

Tip #1: Make Sure the Microphone is Almost in Your Mouth

With the mic being in such close proximity to your mouth, it ensures that every word you utter is ten times louder than socially acceptable. You'll hurt people's ears and, if you're lucky, permanently damage their hearing. If you want to add some style to your repertoire, constantly rub the microphone while you're talking so all people hear is what amounts to an audio-hurricane. When people tell you to shut the hell up and fix your microphone, you'll know you're on the right track.

Tip #2: Curse Like a Drunken Sailor

This is more difficult than it sounds because it requires unrelenting tenacity. I'm not talking about dropping an intermittent f-bomb here and there, oh no. I'm talking about an endless stream of vulgarities that flow out of your mouth with such ease, even Martin Scorsese would blanch. It really helps to repeat the same word over and over again, even if it doesn't relate to anything you or other players are currently doing in game. Change the volume and intensity of your voice, ranging from low whispers to ear-melting screams.

Tip #3: Ask Questions

Upon first entering a game, make sure you immediately ask pointless questions like, “Where is everyone from?” and “I'm 26, how old is everyone?” If someone says they're over 30, immediately call them old and insist that they're a loser because they still play videogames. Little touches like, “Oh, so you don't like chicks anymore?” are also good. Bonus points can be earned for ridiculing where people live. Please use stereotypes when talking about people from the south. A sure way to be considered an a-hole is to insist that all people from southern states sound ignorant. Place special emphasis on mocking all the accents you hear.

Tip #4: Blame Lag

This one comes naturally to most people, but you need to kick it up a notch. Every time you die...and I mean every time, blame lag. Follow that up with criticism of other people's connection. Tell them to get off a 28.8 modem. A genuine a-hole will never admit to being killed without the assistance of lag. Say things like, “There's no f'n way you'd ever kill me if it weren't for your crap connection.”