Above: If you select “No,” Kratos himself will come through the TV screen to smite you.
What would God of War be without the sex mini-games? It would be God of War and not God of Sex, that’s what it would be.
The latest God of War title, launching on March 16, puts Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball to shame. As shown in the wonderful picture above, manliest of all manly heroes, Kratos, has the, um, “option” to… how shall I put this…
Thankfully, since I do not own an Xbox 360, I do not have to endure being constantly inundated with insults by foul-mouthed, racist/homophobic 12-year-olds on Xbox Live. But that doesn’t mean I don’t find the drama morbidly amusing.
In the video above, an Xbox Live user by name of iTzLuPo gets banned by a moderator by the name of The Pro. LuPo claims in his video that The Pro “abuses his power for no reason,” but is that really the case? Xbox Live “Chief of Police” Stephen Toulouse stated via his Twitter account that “the audio is clearly recut to omit the threats and ToU (Terms of Use) violations.”
We actually do not know the full details of the incident, but one thing is for sure: the video is certainly edited. Now, LuPo himself speaks in the video, and sounds like he is at least in his mid-to-late teens, but around the 2:10 mark you can hear another kid talking who sounds much, much younger than LuPo. Around the 3:05 mark The Pro starts telling this younger player to behave himself, and eventually, just tells him to shut up before he calls his mom.
But what was omitted from the video above was the younger player’s incredibly derogatory rant against the moderator, captured below.
Who you gonna call when 12-year-olds get under your skin? The Pro!
As you can see from the image above (stolen from Kotaku), Americans have apparently demanded a dumber, lazier keyboard to help facilitate this already overly persistent Internet lingo that has given us such imaginatively constructed “words” such as “TTYL” and “BRB.”
Well, luckily for consumers, Fast Finger Keyboards has debuted its official hyper-ergonomic/brain dead keyboard that switches between alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts and contains such highly necessary everyday initialisms such as “BTW.”
[Note from the grammar ninja: "BTW" is not an acronym. To quote the immortal words of the ultimate grammar policeman, George Carlin: "An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They're just pricks."]
Yes, thanks to Fast Finger Keyboards, now you too can kill brain cells by typing “lol” with a single keystroke. Much like the word “you,” which evidently contains two too-many letters for the majority of cell phone owners, “lol” needed to be shortened to some retarded form of “internet shorthand” (as evidenced by “u” being frequently substituted for “you”). But since that backfired, keyboard engineers simply reduced the number of keystrokes required to “lol,” increasing speed, efficiency and productivity in daily loling activities.
Not to be outdone by this stunning contribution to the further degradation of the English language, I have designed my own patented ULTIMATE PWNAGE keyboard which not only offers both alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts, but contains a built-in infra red sensor beam (like those found on your typical high-end public toilets) that detects whether your bedroom door is being unceremoniously opened without your approval and instantly closes your porn-viewing tabs before your wife/girlfriend/mom/Aunt Bertha scares the hell out you by screaming “That’s not what nurses are supposed to do!”
It’s that time of year again. Love is in the air, suicide rates are spiking, and businesses everywhere are lying and trying to take advantage of you. Some companies are spending millions in television advertising to convince you that buying pajamas on the internet will get you laid. Or perhaps the woman you desire will finally surrender to you once she sees that you’ve bought her a teddy bear that cost more than the Prestige Edition of Modern Warfare 2? What about diamonds, or the boxes of chocolates where you only end up getting one or two bites of the one you really like? Maybe a really expensive, super-special arrangement of flowers from that guy with the commercials who gives off the distinct impression he might be considering marriage someday in the state where they make the pricey teddy bears? That’s not likely to do it either.
The brutal truth is that the only people guaranteed to be stimulated this evening are the flower shop owners and Hallmark store managers. Plus, in the opinion of this aging writer, if you’re having to pay for it you’re with the type of chick you might as well try and get the money back from once she’s refilled your health meter. Instead you need to keep your Modern Warfare 2 NVGs turned on and eyes peeled for the type of girl that cares more about a players Mana then his gold. A woman who’ll start an Army of Two with you and always give her all playing Co-op even when you’re wounded and it looks like you won’t have ammo enough to make it to the next save checkpoint.
It sounds like something out of Sega’s recently released Bayonetta game, though perhaps a little more gruesome and lacking any semblance of bonus points. Some poor bastard was riding in a taxi with his girlfriend when they began to argue. At some point, Gavin Taylor was stabbed in the eye with his girlfriend’s stiletto shoe. In fact, the stiletto heel passed through his eye socket and actually touched his brain, a concept that just sent an uncomfortable shiver up my spine.
Following the horrific incident Mr Taylor, of Stalybridge, Cheshire, was rushed to Huddersfield Royal Infirmary where he was treated before being transferred to a specialist ward in Leeds, West Yorks.
A West Yorkshire Police spokesman said: “At around 2am on Sunday, police received reports of a serious assault which occurred in a vehicle travelling through Huddersfield town centre.
“A 28-year-old man was struck to the head and taken to Huddersfield Royal Infirmary.
“He was subsequently transferred to Leeds General Infirmary and is currently in a stable but critical condition.”
Going outside. It’s quite dangerous. Just ask a World of Warcraft player. Gang fights, turf disputes, trade swindling, imposing authorities, Mr. T. – and we’re not even talking about WoW yet.
So imagine what happens when you mix those things, rampant drug and alcohol usage, internet anonymity, a cross between GTA-style violence and Harry Potter-style witchery, 13-year-olds, and good old FPS teabagging. You get a rather dangerous place called a “PvP Realm.” Roughly translated for those who haven’t yet mastered WoW-speak, it means “open season on your ass.” But since Blizzard has yet to debut its patented in-game butt cup (available soon for only $10, limit one per account) to shield your character (aka toon) from unwanted posterior intrusions, you’ll have to settle with my $5 “Don’t-even-think-about-going-there” tour guide, provided to you free of charge.
So, without further adieu, I bring you, ranging from “hunting guide for Dick Cheney” to “sparring partner for Chuck Norris,” the top 10 most dangerous world PvP areas of WoW.
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